A better self.

I am that typical girl with all flaws on me and sometimes being mean to people that I dont like or I'm jealous.

Basically,

I have attitude problem,

I overthink.

I am arrogant.

I am selfish.

I will do anything to make myself feel better even when I'm at fault.

Yea, that's me. 

I have been pampered like a princess in the previous relationship. I get whatever I want to. If I can't, I cry, I scold, I even slap. Whenever I start crying, people will give me tissue, their shoulder, hug or comfort me by saying something really nice. Like those you have seen in movie, what guy will do when they see girls crying. I'm not kidding. That's how I been pampered for more than 5 years.

Ever since I start dating with my boyfriend, I realise things are not the same anymore. I'm not getting pamper (not always getting pamper but still get when it's the time) like last time. He just look at me whenever I cry, no tissue, no shoulder, no hug, no nice words to hear. He just stare at me and I will stop crying when I get tired. No movie scene that I've always expecting.

He will talk to me about my problem once in awhile. Saying I have terrible attitude problem. Tell me I'm over confidence, I'm arrogant, etc.

It was really hard for me as I always think I'm so flawless (in terms of attitude not about appearance k.) I think I behave very well and I always show the best side of me to the world. But no, not to him... He see all my flaws and hate it. He really does. He told me how worse I get, how terrible I behave and all the ugly side of me.

Times like these, I always think of committing suicide.

You think it is just a small matter? Well maybe it is but not for me. You need so much courage to accept and admit your fault to your loved one. You need to tell yes I did that wrongly and the worse thing is you kept defending yourself at the beginning. So it get harder when you decided to admit your fault in the end. It feels like the worse day ever in my life.

Anyway,

I have woke up from those dreams. Those fantasy I have for relationships. It is not always that beautiful in relationship when it comes to communicating with the other half. We might not accept each other's flaws. Dont just endure his/her flaws, talk about it instead.

All I can say is.....

He knows me too well to see I'm perfect. 

I'm so glad that he is unlike others, accepting my flaws blindly. In fact, he make me a better person for myself not just for this relationship. Although things might get harder in future, we may not be able to walk together until the end. I will always be grateful and remember how this guy has change me to become a better self.

Girls, please dont believe quotes like "If he loves you, he wouldn't change you" (often see this in chinese).

Always remember. If he loves you he will want you to be a better person.